A Christmas Miracle

I have been so tired.

You know deep down when something is wrong with your baby, you google it, think it may pass, ask a friend, seek reassurance, but you just know.

Ruby has been such a fusspot since she was born, not sleeping and never a relaxed baby like the other two were. You could never leave her be, which has been really hard when trying to look after her and two other small children.

On the advice of a very good friend and a couple of recommendations I booked her in to see a cranial osteopath.

I really didn't hold out much hope as I wasn't even sure if there was anything wrong. Maybe it was me? Passing out my anxiety vibes, according to my dad!

It was something I had never heard of before, or wasn't really listening! But when babies have violent births ie being unceremoniously yanked out with forceps, it can cause all sorts of problems. Makes sense really.

And boy, was she battered!!!

They call her 'The White Witch of Lympsham', this osteopath.

As soon as I walked in, I knew I was in the right place. It even smelt peaceful!

Lisa looked at Ruby's head and said she could still see and feel where the forceps went and basically Ruby has had a low grade headache since birth bless her.

This has caused her to be 'nassy'. A northern term apparently, which means not feeling quite right. Great great word!!!

As she was laying on the couch having her head felt, I visibly saw her relax for the first time in her life. Her eyes were wide open, but she was still.

And she laid like that for half an hour, before she drifted off to sleep. Not fighting it, no fussing....Just quietness.

And that is how she has been ever since.

Her eyes are wide open too. I had never noticed before how scrunched up her little eyes were all the time. But that's what you do when you've got a headache.

Even her little tummy is relaxed. It was always tense and she hated it to be touched.

When Mark held her, he said he immediately felt calm because she was!

He held her for ages, something he hasn't really done yet because she fussed so much. They can finally bond!

Apparently this is very common, which is why I wanted to write about it really, get it out there! How many other families are suffering, when there is a simple solution.

THIS SHOULD BE TOLD TO MOTHERS WHO HAVE FORCEP DELIVERIES.

It truly is a Christmas Miracle!

And my beautiful baby is no longer in pain.

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Christmas Dilemma.

I have a bit of a problem.

I'm 41 (no, not that, though it is rather horrible!)

I have never DONE Christmas.

I mean the whole cooking and having family round thing.

I have always gone to mums, though she hates the whole cooking thing too and makes sure we all know about it!

And before my nan died, we always went there for a proper Essexmas knees up! Now that's how i'd like to do it, though sadly we are now minus two aunts, one uncle and all my Grandparents.

But we have gained three children under 4!

Back to the matter in hand, my parents are moving. From Surrey to just down the road from us in Somerset. And I can't bloody wait!

We have no family here at all, so parenting is full on 24 hour hell...well that's not quite true, sometimes it's fun and rewarding and heartwarming. But the majority of the time it's not, as I'm sure most parents of more than 2 under 4 will tell you. And our third has just arrived. We thought we had it sussed before that!

So I'm counting the days. Eight to be exact.

And only sixteen till Christmas.

And I have just made the decision to do it....here!

It's the right daughterly thing to do, isn't it? There isn't anyone else. I'm an only child.

But...

It's expectations isn't it?

Mainly my own.

I don't enjoy Christmas. For anyone who has had problems with food, and doesn't drink, it's not the best time of year. Much as I'd love to, I can't stuff my face and get pissed, well I could, but it wouldn't be pretty and let's just say Christmas, in fact life as I know it would be cancelled!

And unfortunately, living with someone with anorexia for many years had scarred my parents too.

Our relationship isn't always great and it's hard work, but now I have children of my own and they idolise them, and visa versa, so I want to make Christmas special this year.

I have visions of laying on the perfect spread. I can cook, in fact I'm rather good at it. But I hate it.

I am also rather stressed and tired at the moment. Ruby has colic and isn't sleeping so neither am I.

Mark is an extremely tired postman who is working on and up to Christmas Eve. And no it's not like the advert. He most definitely does not 'love parcels'!!!

We haven't even got the tree up yet!

So, do we have pork pie and tinned salmon?!?!?

It's not even about the food is it? Really?

It's about the company.

And if I get mum nice and merry on the mulled wine, I can just about bear it!

For a couple of hours!

Wish me luck.......

I think I'm gonna need it!

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So now we are five...

Meet Ruby Rose. The latest addition to our family.

My last baby....I'm done!!

She came into our lives in a flurry of excitement and fear in theatre, in an unexpected turn of events, four weeks early. Tiny, yet perfect in every way. Bruised and battered, but beautiful to me.

And that is how it has been ever since.

Six weeks of ups and downs, unexpected twists and turns to our family lives. General chaos has ensued and ruled our household with its iron fist.

I didn't think a third baby would change things that much....I was wrong! So very wrong.

Roles have changed, my children are confused, one too young to understand what has happened, only seeing her place, my lap taken up by someone else, a tiny being that has required all my attention day and night, constantly at my breast or sleeping in my arms.

Amy is upset and has turned into a child I do not recognise.

She cannot talk properly yet, so she growls...every time anyone goes near her, especially her big brother, Luke. Who has been the centre of attention since he was born.

She has always been happy to go along with this, happy to play while he soaked up the limelight.

But not any more.

Maybe it's a good thing! She has found her inner growl voice.

Tonight I saw a glimmer of my baby girl, who isn't any more. Ruby was asleep and Amy climbed onto my lap. She reached up for a cuddle. It was brief and I could have stayed in it forever if she'd have let me.

Anybody who says having three isn't much harder than two is, in my opinion wrong.

But I wouldn't have it any other way.

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One of those days.

Or should I say mornings.......just feels like a day!

I really didn't want my first post to be miserable! I wanted it to be all bright shiny and positive.....but, sorry folks at the mo, my life ain't just like that!

I have a newborn who isn't sleeping and a young daughter I don't recognise as my own any more. And when you add Luke into the mix it just means five hours of general awfulness.

I am lucky. I don't often have all three all together at the same time on my own very much,  but this morning was one of those times and I don't like myself very much right now.

I have turned into one of those screaming shrews I swore I'd never become.

And it doesn't make one damn bit of difference anyway. I might as well shout at the wall!!

They are having a nap. Well big and middler are.

I can just about cope with the one on my shoulder, even if she smells of sick. I can hold her close in the new quietness of my lounge and regroup.

I love all my babies to the moon and back, and yep, I signed up for this, but it can be so bloody bloody hard!

 

 

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Happy Birthday Matilda Mae xx

Time for me to go now, I won't say goodbye;

Look for me in rainbows, way up in the sky.

In the morning sunrise when all the world is new,

Just look for me and love me, as you know I loved you.

Time for me to leave you, I won't say goodbye;

Look for me in rainbows, high up in the sky.

In the evening sunset, when all the world is through,

Just look for me and love me, and I'll be close to you.

It won't be forever, the day will come and then

My loving arms will hold you, when we meet again.

Time for us to part now, we won't say goodbye;

Look for me in rainbows, shining in the sky.

Every waking moment, and all your whole life through

Just look for me and love me, as you know I loved you.

Just wish me to be near you,

And I'll be there with you.

For Jennie xx

http://www.edspire.co.uk/year_2013/05/01/dear-matilda-mae-for-your-first-birthday-in-heaven/

A poem for Jennie

It is so hard to know what to do now. What words to say, I want to send you comfort, but don't know how.

This is probably the hardest time of all for you Jennie.

Trying to get back to some kind of normal......a new type of normal without Tilda.

I have seen a few other bloggers (though I like to call us all friends) send poems to you, written by other mummies who have been through your pain.

I would imagine those are the words you understand the most, words from kindred spirits.

This is one that I hope you like.

We are connected, My child and I,

by an invisible cord, not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord that connects

us 'til birth 

This cord can't be seen by any on Earth.

This cord does its work right from the start.

It binds us together, attatched to my heart.

I know that it's there, though no one can see,

The invisible cord from my child to me.

The strength of this cord is hard to describe.

It can't be destroyed, it can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord man could create,

It withstands the test, can hold any weight. 

And though you are gone,

Though you are not here with me,

The cord is still there, but no one can see. 

It pulls at my heart, I am bruised...I am sore,

But this cord is my lifeline, as never before.

I am thankful that God connects us this way,

A mother and child--Death can't take it away!

Thinking of you Jennie, as always xxxx

http://www.edspire.co.uk/

Silent Sunday

Dear Jennie........

I have started this letter to you so many times in my head.

I feel like I know you,

I check in with you every day.

I read your words, I cry with you, I shake my fist at God for the terrible injustice of it all.

I cannot imagine your pain my love. It is unimaginable, incomprehensible.

You are living through every parents worst fear.

There are not enough words, when I can't give you back the one thing that you want, And Jennie I wish I could, with all my heart. We all do.

We all want to put Matida Mae back in your arms.

Both you and your baby girl have touched my life and everyone else's that has read your story and is with you every step of the way.

And I think that is baby Tilda's legacy, and you are making sure you carry her legacy on.

I have hugged my children a little tighter, appreciated them a little more. Tried to be a bit more patient.

My little girl has been bringing me a book to read to her for the last week or so. She has lots of books, but it always the same one. She finds it wherever I put it.

She comes and sits up next to me and always goes to the last page first.

We call her Matilda Mae, Amy can't speak yet but she touches her hair and wings.

"This little fairy is called Matilda Mae,

And she's looking down on us all today.

She lives on a cloud, way up in the sky,

And watches us all as the day goes by."

Not quite an angel book, but I don't think we have one and this is the closest thing Amy could find!

They say time is a great healer.......

So, I hope and pray in time Jennie, your heart will heal, the hole will grow smaller and you will learn how to live again.

In time.....Give it time. Be gentle on yourself.

Sending you pink and purple balloons, many bubbles, and all my love

Clare xxxx

P.S I will never forget Matilda Mae

To Jennie at http://www.edspire.co.uk/

Silent Sunday