Silent Sunday

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Trials and tribulations!!

Back to school in the winter usually means the start of coughs, colds and general nasty viruses. And with three children it's really been doing the rounds this year. Nothing major, just the usual coughing sneezing and buckets of snot.....or so we thought.
 Friday night Ruby was particularly restless so I put her into bed with me. The next minute she started fitting. I ran downstairs with her where Mark had been delegated to the sofa. Her head was lolling back and her eyes weren't fixed. She was boiling hot.
 I have never been so scared in my whole life.
 After about five minutes the convulsions stopped. It was the longest few minutes of my life.
 Mark rushed her down to A&E.
 It was a Febrile Seizure
 
 Something that is fairly common, but I had never heard of it.
 
 She is home now. Very tired and clingy. Still hot. But she is home.
 
 How precious are our children? For a split second I thought we were losing her. I couldn't let myself imagine life without her. It is every parents worst fear.
 If you have small children, babies, please read up on Febrile Seizures
 Febrile seizures are quite common. An estimated 1 in 20 children will have at least one febrile seizure at some point. Most febrile seizures occur between the ages of six months and three years. The average age is 18 months.
 I will be better prepared if it happens again. I'm going to invest in a good ear thermometer. I will probably become temperature obsessed!
 But I will be prepared.
 
 
 - Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
 

The Wolf at the Door

This came up on my time hop today. I wrote it a couple of years ago on my old blog.
Sadly things are no better, in fact it is worse.

Some people refer to depression as "The Black Dog". Good analysis
OCD is a form of that, or mental illness really.
And that Wolf has been sniffing around my heels for many years.

"You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus."
Mark Twain

This is my mantra, but when the wolf bites it gets forgotten.
I have heard OCD described as a bridge. On one side is the foggy world of fear, obsessional doubt, anxiety, emotional reasoning, unreality and ritual that is OCD.
On the other side is common sense, reality, objectivity.....FREEDOM!!
My husband often asks me where I am on the bridge, I'm usually somewhere in the middle, but when the wolf howls, I'm lost in the fog.
OCD is an affliction that is stopping me from LIVING MY LIFE and I don't know why.
I have had therapy over the years. In fact this time last year I thought I'd been 'cured.'
But slowly but surely it's been creeping back in, I don't think it ever really went away. I understand it better.
I struggle with emotions, have done for most of my life. I've depended on lots of crutches, food, alcohol, OCD.
Anything to stop me from thinking and feeling really. But I don't understand why and therein lies the key.
I hope one day I can take that key, cross the bridge away from OCD land. I will unlock the door, step over the threshold where love and peace is waiting for me.
And I will slam that door against the beast forever.

Back to today..
I've had more therapy, swapped my medication to different tablets, different doses time and time again.
Yet the dog still barks, over and over again.

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Time to try again!!

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Time goes by so quickly! It's a long time since I've attempted to post on here.
I have been rather busy...but Ruby is now one, believe it or not, and I feel I need to do something with all these words going round in my head....now she doesn't need me quite so much!
It's been quite a tough year, as most with babies and young children will identify with.
Luke is now four and started "Big School" in September. He is a whirlwind of energy and emotions at the moment, dealing with new situations and challenges daily. I have worried about him and how he will cope. I can see him in the playground from Amy's bedroom window, lovely when he is running round with all his little friends. Worry some when he is not!!
I needn't have despaired quite as much!!

Bless him!!!

Our little free spirit Amy has just turned four. She is a wild, stubborn force of nature who has me locked in a battle of wills on an hourly basis!!!
My relationship with her has been very challenging in this year. No longer baby of the family, she has struggled to find her place and I have probably over compensated with far too many toys as I haven't quite known how to 'be' with her. I feel like we are finally getting somewhere though! She is chatting away now, with a fierce love of her dollies. She is bright and endearing and gives the best cuddles!

And then there's our little Ruby Roo....babies change so much in a short year. Too much!! She has blended into our family with ease! Adored by her big brother and loved by everyone she meets. She studies faces for hours...and smiles constantly. The first three horrendous months are now but a distant memory and she is content.

As for me...well as I said it has been a hard year! My mental health has been extremely challenging, especially right now. I am hoping this blog can be some kind of outlet for me to vent and share what is going on in my head, try to make sense of it all.
I hope to become a better blogger! I want to learn about how links work properly and how to put references etc in my posts. It all seems like a bit of a minefield!!
But I need a new challenge! And I am hoping, maybe that this will be it!

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Letters for Matilda Mae

Nearly a year ago, I went on twitter for one of my usual noseies.
I'm no longer a twaddict.....it was ruining my health! But I duck in and out occasionally to see what's occurring!!
There was a sombre mood. Something had happened...there was a lot of confusion but from what I could gather and nobody wanted to believe it to be true....a baby had died.
What transpired over the next few days was truly, desperately awful.
A baby belonging to a much loved blogger, a fellow mummy who liked to blog about her three beautiful children and her husband and their lives.
Matilda Mae.
A nine month old baby,
Taken too soon.

A baby with the biggest brown eyes and friendliest smile you have ever seen.
Why why why??????
My heart broke for Jennie and her family and each picture I saw or sad sentence Jennie wrote, broke it a little more.
A lady I didn't know, a baby I didn't know. But they have touched me in a way I cannot explain.

A few days later, I found out I was pregnant with my third child.
That day I lit a candle. A candle for a beautiful baby.
Matilda Mae.
A nine month old baby.
Taken too soon.

And I think of her and her mummy every day.

A Christmas Miracle

I have been so tired.

You know deep down when something is wrong with your baby, you google it, think it may pass, ask a friend, seek reassurance, but you just know.

Ruby has been such a fusspot since she was born, not sleeping and never a relaxed baby like the other two were. You could never leave her be, which has been really hard when trying to look after her and two other small children.

On the advice of a very good friend and a couple of recommendations I booked her in to see a cranial osteopath.

I really didn't hold out much hope as I wasn't even sure if there was anything wrong. Maybe it was me? Passing out my anxiety vibes, according to my dad!

It was something I had never heard of before, or wasn't really listening! But when babies have violent births ie being unceremoniously yanked out with forceps, it can cause all sorts of problems. Makes sense really.

And boy, was she battered!!!

They call her 'The White Witch of Lympsham', this osteopath.

As soon as I walked in, I knew I was in the right place. It even smelt peaceful!

Lisa looked at Ruby's head and said she could still see and feel where the forceps went and basically Ruby has had a low grade headache since birth bless her.

This has caused her to be 'nassy'. A northern term apparently, which means not feeling quite right. Great great word!!!

As she was laying on the couch having her head felt, I visibly saw her relax for the first time in her life. Her eyes were wide open, but she was still.

And she laid like that for half an hour, before she drifted off to sleep. Not fighting it, no fussing....Just quietness.

And that is how she has been ever since.

Her eyes are wide open too. I had never noticed before how scrunched up her little eyes were all the time. But that's what you do when you've got a headache.

Even her little tummy is relaxed. It was always tense and she hated it to be touched.

When Mark held her, he said he immediately felt calm because she was!

He held her for ages, something he hasn't really done yet because she fussed so much. They can finally bond!

Apparently this is very common, which is why I wanted to write about it really, get it out there! How many other families are suffering, when there is a simple solution.

THIS SHOULD BE TOLD TO MOTHERS WHO HAVE FORCEP DELIVERIES.

It truly is a Christmas Miracle!

And my beautiful baby is no longer in pain.

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Christmas Dilemma.

I have a bit of a problem.

I'm 41 (no, not that, though it is rather horrible!)

I have never DONE Christmas.

I mean the whole cooking and having family round thing.

I have always gone to mums, though she hates the whole cooking thing too and makes sure we all know about it!

And before my nan died, we always went there for a proper Essexmas knees up! Now that's how i'd like to do it, though sadly we are now minus two aunts, one uncle and all my Grandparents.

But we have gained three children under 4!

Back to the matter in hand, my parents are moving. From Surrey to just down the road from us in Somerset. And I can't bloody wait!

We have no family here at all, so parenting is full on 24 hour hell...well that's not quite true, sometimes it's fun and rewarding and heartwarming. But the majority of the time it's not, as I'm sure most parents of more than 2 under 4 will tell you. And our third has just arrived. We thought we had it sussed before that!

So I'm counting the days. Eight to be exact.

And only sixteen till Christmas.

And I have just made the decision to do it....here!

It's the right daughterly thing to do, isn't it? There isn't anyone else. I'm an only child.

But...

It's expectations isn't it?

Mainly my own.

I don't enjoy Christmas. For anyone who has had problems with food, and doesn't drink, it's not the best time of year. Much as I'd love to, I can't stuff my face and get pissed, well I could, but it wouldn't be pretty and let's just say Christmas, in fact life as I know it would be cancelled!

And unfortunately, living with someone with anorexia for many years had scarred my parents too.

Our relationship isn't always great and it's hard work, but now I have children of my own and they idolise them, and visa versa, so I want to make Christmas special this year.

I have visions of laying on the perfect spread. I can cook, in fact I'm rather good at it. But I hate it.

I am also rather stressed and tired at the moment. Ruby has colic and isn't sleeping so neither am I.

Mark is an extremely tired postman who is working on and up to Christmas Eve. And no it's not like the advert. He most definitely does not 'love parcels'!!!

We haven't even got the tree up yet!

So, do we have pork pie and tinned salmon?!?!?

It's not even about the food is it? Really?

It's about the company.

And if I get mum nice and merry on the mulled wine, I can just about bear it!

For a couple of hours!

Wish me luck.......

I think I'm gonna need it!

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So now we are five...

Meet Ruby Rose. The latest addition to our family.

My last baby....I'm done!!

She came into our lives in a flurry of excitement and fear in theatre, in an unexpected turn of events, four weeks early. Tiny, yet perfect in every way. Bruised and battered, but beautiful to me.

And that is how it has been ever since.

Six weeks of ups and downs, unexpected twists and turns to our family lives. General chaos has ensued and ruled our household with its iron fist.

I didn't think a third baby would change things that much....I was wrong! So very wrong.

Roles have changed, my children are confused, one too young to understand what has happened, only seeing her place, my lap taken up by someone else, a tiny being that has required all my attention day and night, constantly at my breast or sleeping in my arms.

Amy is upset and has turned into a child I do not recognise.

She cannot talk properly yet, so she growls...every time anyone goes near her, especially her big brother, Luke. Who has been the centre of attention since he was born.

She has always been happy to go along with this, happy to play while he soaked up the limelight.

But not any more.

Maybe it's a good thing! She has found her inner growl voice.

Tonight I saw a glimmer of my baby girl, who isn't any more. Ruby was asleep and Amy climbed onto my lap. She reached up for a cuddle. It was brief and I could have stayed in it forever if she'd have let me.

Anybody who says having three isn't much harder than two is, in my opinion wrong.

But I wouldn't have it any other way.

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One of those days.

Or should I say mornings.......just feels like a day!

I really didn't want my first post to be miserable! I wanted it to be all bright shiny and positive.....but, sorry folks at the mo, my life ain't just like that!

I have a newborn who isn't sleeping and a young daughter I don't recognise as my own any more. And when you add Luke into the mix it just means five hours of general awfulness.

I am lucky. I don't often have all three all together at the same time on my own very much,  but this morning was one of those times and I don't like myself very much right now.

I have turned into one of those screaming shrews I swore I'd never become.

And it doesn't make one damn bit of difference anyway. I might as well shout at the wall!!

They are having a nap. Well big and middler are.

I can just about cope with the one on my shoulder, even if she smells of sick. I can hold her close in the new quietness of my lounge and regroup.

I love all my babies to the moon and back, and yep, I signed up for this, but it can be so bloody bloody hard!

 

 

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Happy Birthday Matilda Mae xx

Time for me to go now, I won't say goodbye;

Look for me in rainbows, way up in the sky.

In the morning sunrise when all the world is new,

Just look for me and love me, as you know I loved you.

Time for me to leave you, I won't say goodbye;

Look for me in rainbows, high up in the sky.

In the evening sunset, when all the world is through,

Just look for me and love me, and I'll be close to you.

It won't be forever, the day will come and then

My loving arms will hold you, when we meet again.

Time for us to part now, we won't say goodbye;

Look for me in rainbows, shining in the sky.

Every waking moment, and all your whole life through

Just look for me and love me, as you know I loved you.

Just wish me to be near you,

And I'll be there with you.

For Jennie xx

http://www.edspire.co.uk/year_2013/05/01/dear-matilda-mae-for-your-first-birthday-in-heaven/

A poem for Jennie

It is so hard to know what to do now. What words to say, I want to send you comfort, but don't know how.

This is probably the hardest time of all for you Jennie.

Trying to get back to some kind of normal......a new type of normal without Tilda.

I have seen a few other bloggers (though I like to call us all friends) send poems to you, written by other mummies who have been through your pain.

I would imagine those are the words you understand the most, words from kindred spirits.

This is one that I hope you like.

We are connected, My child and I,

by an invisible cord, not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord that connects

us 'til birth 

This cord can't be seen by any on Earth.

This cord does its work right from the start.

It binds us together, attatched to my heart.

I know that it's there, though no one can see,

The invisible cord from my child to me.

The strength of this cord is hard to describe.

It can't be destroyed, it can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord man could create,

It withstands the test, can hold any weight. 

And though you are gone,

Though you are not here with me,

The cord is still there, but no one can see. 

It pulls at my heart, I am bruised...I am sore,

But this cord is my lifeline, as never before.

I am thankful that God connects us this way,

A mother and child--Death can't take it away!

Thinking of you Jennie, as always xxxx

http://www.edspire.co.uk/

Silent Sunday

Dear Jennie........

I have started this letter to you so many times in my head.

I feel like I know you,

I check in with you every day.

I read your words, I cry with you, I shake my fist at God for the terrible injustice of it all.

I cannot imagine your pain my love. It is unimaginable, incomprehensible.

You are living through every parents worst fear.

There are not enough words, when I can't give you back the one thing that you want, And Jennie I wish I could, with all my heart. We all do.

We all want to put Matida Mae back in your arms.

Both you and your baby girl have touched my life and everyone else's that has read your story and is with you every step of the way.

And I think that is baby Tilda's legacy, and you are making sure you carry her legacy on.

I have hugged my children a little tighter, appreciated them a little more. Tried to be a bit more patient.

My little girl has been bringing me a book to read to her for the last week or so. She has lots of books, but it always the same one. She finds it wherever I put it.

She comes and sits up next to me and always goes to the last page first.

We call her Matilda Mae, Amy can't speak yet but she touches her hair and wings.

"This little fairy is called Matilda Mae,

And she's looking down on us all today.

She lives on a cloud, way up in the sky,

And watches us all as the day goes by."

Not quite an angel book, but I don't think we have one and this is the closest thing Amy could find!

They say time is a great healer.......

So, I hope and pray in time Jennie, your heart will heal, the hole will grow smaller and you will learn how to live again.

In time.....Give it time. Be gentle on yourself.

Sending you pink and purple balloons, many bubbles, and all my love

Clare xxxx

P.S I will never forget Matilda Mae

To Jennie at http://www.edspire.co.uk/

Silent Sunday

Silent Sunday

Wading through treacle

It's quarter to two in the afternoon and I've finally sat down with a cup of coffee!

Probably a familiar tale to many of you mothers out there, but sometimes I find it all so overwhelming and bloody hard work, especially when my head isn't feeling right, which is most of the time lately.

I always feel so full of fear, of what I don't know. I always have, and it's horrible.

I had a mental health assessment yesterday for counselling...more bloody counselling!

Usual story, but something's got to give. I don't want to spend the rest of my life in this torment. Why should I?

http://clarelouallen.blogspot.com/2012/10/the-wolf-at-door.html

I know I think too much! I'm scared to reach out to people.

My best friend reminded me what I've got in my life today. More than I ever dreamt possible, so why can't I move on? Why don't I feel anything?

I believe in God, I also believe everything happens for a reason. Every struggle I have been through I look back on and can see why it had to happen.

It isn't always like this fortunately! I had a moment yesterday when I looked at my children when I felt so proud. I live for these moments!

When is the right time for Christmas decorations?

Hmmmm!

This was a post originally written by Helpful mum at http://www.offcumden.com/2012/12/when-is-right-time-for-christmas.html and it got me thinking.

Christmas seems to come around earlier every year now. Mince Pie on Halloween anyone?

I used to be the girl at school who bedecked her room every year, the tackier the better, but then I got an eating disorder and Christmas became a battlefield for many years...in fact I still don't really enjoy it. But now I have two babies of my own, I want to make Christmas time as special as I can.

Luke is nearly three. Still a bit too young to understand it all, though he seems to get that Santa brings him presents if he is a good boy.....

And therein lies another dilemma. Trying to stop using that as a weapon every time he is naughty. Because he is naughty a lot!!

Amy is one and into everything! So where am I supposed to put the tree without her pulling it over or yanking off the baubles?

We won't be here on Christmas Day, My mum will be hostess with the mostest!! Just don't mention her lumpy gravy.....EVER!!

Maybe this weekend then! When Elf is on..... Maybe that will get me in the festive spirit!

Still no idea where to put the bloody tree!

Why do I blog?

I was reading Sally's post at http://pressiesbypebbles.com/why-do-i-blog/

It got me thinking!

Why do you blog? I find writing very therapeutic. I was very good at it at school, but never carried on with it afterwards. Something I often regret.

I have had a lot of life experience. Lots of things I havnt touched on much yet. Maybe I will do a guest post one day. I don't feel I can write about it all on my blog yet, some people will disagree with that, but I like to try and keep my posts a little light hearted at the moment.

What do you get from it? Often just a chance to relive those funny moments you have when there are two very small children about! It's also my way of communicating with different people, whether in Australia or Birmingham! People who I will never meet but we can share our thought about life!

Is it trivial and is that okay sometimes? Of course! It's nice to make people laugh or relate to something silly. Sometimes I will read something that cheers me up and I need that because life can be extremely hard and testing.

Why should people be interested in what you write? I hope they are! I blog a lot about my children, mainly because they are my life at the moment. 

Do you care if they are not?  Not at all! Just please do not leave nasty comments or opinions...I deleted a post because of that, and looking back I wish I hadn't! As a fellow blogger pointed out to me, '' It is YOUR blog, you write what YOU want.

If you blog just for you, why do it publicly? Hmm. Why not? If someone else gets some enjoyment or help from it, then that's good. It's my little piece of the World Wide Web!

What value do you think you are adding to the world by blogging? Probably nothing! But if it helps me, and may help other people then who cares!! I am a very small cog in an infinitely big wheel! 

Do you feel defensive about blogging? To a certain degree. It's hard to explain it to my parents  generation. My Dad thinks its like airing your dirty laundry to the world! But I like to think we are more open minded about things now and talk about feelings!!!

Thanks to DillyTante at http://dillytante.wordpress.com/ who came up with this Blog Hop! It's certainly got me thinking!!

Silent Sunday

A strange week.....

Firstly, apologies for my absence of late!
It's been a strange couple of weeks....
Started off with hubbie doing his back in at work. He's a Postman, so it's all part and parcel of the job! Haha, no pun intended, but quite a good one!
He's not supposed to be a Postie! He hasn't the legs for it! No seriously he is a Draughtsman who can't get any work, and hasn't for a couple of years.
So he has been here with me and the kids which has been lovely! I really hate my own company so it's been so nice to have him around.
Then my little boy went into hospital to have an operation on his webbed fingers to separate them. It had been cancelled twice and I have been dreading it. I felt sick with anxiety and spent the previous two days in bed with flu so couldn't go with him.
Luke as always was a little trooper and was fine, unlike his Daddy who got quite upset and said it was a good job I wasn't there!



He has adapted quite well to his club arm and is pretty much his normal self, hasn't hit Amy with it....yet!!

Then we put an offer in on a house! How grown up and scary. Still havnt heard anything back and so far have ignored the temptation to knock on the front door and beg and plead!

Lastly Mark may have got himself a CAD job! Early days and it means lots of hard work and juggling as he has to keep his Postie position until we get the mortgage settled.

Change........I am usually so scared of change. I feel safe when things seem settled around me. One whiff of it and I usually run for the hills!!!
But not this time because it IS TIME.
Time for a change. A fresh start.
I think the thing that scares me so much about change, is fear of the unknown. And the reality that means things probably won't go smoothly, they rarely do and I don't deal with that very well at all!
So at the moment I feel a strange mix of nervous anticipation, excitement and dread that it will all fall through!
I need to get positive! No matter what it will work out! We WILL find a house, even if its not this one. And Mark WILL get his old job back!
Coz I got a feeling!!
Fingers crossed!